it's 4.46am now. well, it's not like i haven't sleep yet, it's just that i woke too early and now i can't go back to sleep again. damn, this is the side effect of sleeping from 7am to 7pm...yes guys...i sleep for 12 hours yesterday, thanks to all the shit things that happened to me lately.....

lately i like to blog. now 70% of my internet time is used to blog, while other 30% is used to open my friendster, mails, and now that i have facebook it seems that there is always a thing for me to do when i'm online. back in the old days, i used to kept my own diary to express all my feelings and emotions. but now, i choose to blog because i thing that i should let other people know what's going on in my life. u guys might think "why do i do this?don't u care about ur privacy?or r u just trying to brag on ur life to other people?" but what's wrong with that? it's my choice to tell to other people about my secret life. and it's not like i'm going to tell EVERYTHING to them, right....

i've been living in this world for 20 years now. while writing this, i was trying to reminisce all the big things that has happen during my life. one of it happens in 2006. i fell in love for the first time in my life (haha..this is embarassing...). i met this girl at my tuition class during form 5, and she's very cute, i tell ya. she's not really outstands in the class, but there's just something i like about her. i never told her this, but actually i got her phone numbers by stealing it from my friend. so, i started to sms with her. i feel like a stalker at that time. but as time comes, she seems to feel comfortable towards me. it took me one year to convince her that i really2 love her. heck, i even do the most embarrasing thing in my life while proposing to her. thinking about it laughs me alot, but i don't regret about it. finally she accepted me and i was the most happiest person in the world that day.

but, our relationship is not that easy. back then, we were very2 far away from each other. we only met once during raya, and that's it. it's like when i come back to kuching, she wasn't there and when she comes back, i wasn't there also. so our relationship were develop only through messages and phone calls. maybe because of this, our relationship is not that strong. so, after one year, we broke up. pretty sad, huh??? well it''s an old story.

last two days, she send me a message wishing me a happy birthday. i was very happy to received it because i thought that she already has forrgotten of me. i repplied her and we have a few conversation, and it seems that she is now happy with his new bf. i feel glad for her because finally she has a bf that truly loves her and can concentrate on her at all time, more than me. to tell u the truth, i taught i was in love with her again when we started to sms again, but i think it's not because of that. it would be wrong if i said that i've forgotten of her. i do still remember her, and i'm gonna remember her for the rest of my life.

"Do you still love her?" well, of course i do. i can't hate her, right? but the love that i feel right now might not be the same with the love i felt back then. she has moved on with her life, and so should i. but i hope that she will never forget the memories that we have created together, although the memories are only worth a year.

hehehe...enough with love talk. let me review all the things that happen to me during my 20 years of life:

-get my first crush during standard 1. and now i'm meeting with her again....hehehhe...
-escape my first class during standard 5, and got scolded in front of the class for the first time.
-smoke for the first time during standard 5. damn u naughty boy!
-got 5A's in upsr(hehehe...)
-going to a secondary school fill with only boys(wtf????) during form 1.
-got 8A's in pmr(bragging, bragging again.hahahaha..)
-got my first bike during form 5
-go to club for the first time after school finish. and now it becomes a hobby for me... :)
-got my first gf during form 5 (lasted for only one month, though)
-got my first bike accident during form 5.
-going to utp last two years, until now....

*the list might get longer if i remember again....hehehehehe....

well, 20 is the age of adultery, and i think that i should act more maturely. it's time for me to change my oldself and become a new person. i still want to enjoy this life, and i will enoy it to the fullest.

THANK YOU GOD FOR LETTING ME LIVE FOR 20 YEARS AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME TO....

lovely faisha..hehehe..

it's 2nd november 2008 today...

yesterday was my birthday...while i was writing this, my head feel really hurts. yesterday was probably one of the most suckiest day in my life...what makes it more suckier, it happens during my birthday...

i have a fight with one of my best friend. well, we didn't punch each other or what, it's juz that we have a little bit of misunderstanding. and that 'little' bit of misunderstanding has created bigger problems. i can't tell the detailed story of it, but it seems that i have broken my friend's trust on me.

i really don't know what to say...i just feel guilty of what's happening.i don't know...maybe i'm too stupid to know this kind of thing. sometimes i feel that i'm very stupid to the point where i felt angry and hate myself. but seriously, i just don't know what to do...all i can ask is forgiveness, but do i really deserve it???

people said that apologies is the best medicine if u have done wrong towards others. but after doing that, why do i felt so insecure? i started to ask myself, "do i deserve to be forgiven?have i said sorry enough?do i really regret of what has happen?" i just acted like a stupid person and said "i really don't know". pffftt...what a stupid way too say it.

really, i hate myself...the thing is, i always brag to others that friendship is the most important thing in my life.but now, i've just deteriorate that "friendship" i have been proud of. again i ask myself, "have i sacrifice enough for my friend?do i always have to lose to others just for the sake of our friendship?haven't i done enough to them?" well fuck me for saying that. i don't even deserve to say that. the reason i say that is just because i'm afraid of being lonely without any friends. i curse myself for being so ignorant...

to my friend, if u read this, i hope that u can forgive ur dumbass friend here. i've never meant to hurt u. really, deep in my heart, i love u as my besties. ur my bro, ur in my circle of life, and forever i will always remember u guys.

i also want to thank my friends who's willing to help me with my problem. u guys r the best....a thousand thanks would not b enough to repay u guys.